i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
