Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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