Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
