if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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