I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
honey bunches of taint.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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