I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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