mondays should just be called national damage control day
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Randomize
