the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
