I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
