i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I am midnight drunk by noon
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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