all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
