all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize