ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
