Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize