I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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