It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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