i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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