True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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