I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
