i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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