At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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