I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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