Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
