He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
