I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
