Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
