Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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