he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
