Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
