I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
