Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
