Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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