M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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