Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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