We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
