Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
