Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
