apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
