I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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