I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
