Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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