Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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