so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
