I love black thongs
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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