I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
