Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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