Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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