This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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