Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
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