new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
