I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
