good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
