im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
