i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm really busy with my period
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