Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
