thus making me awesome and them whores
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
