is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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