So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
