Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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