Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize